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Through all the pain that you have met, come to know, and dealt with, one thing is for certain…everything happens for a reason. And right now I hate those words. For I do not know or understand why I went through what I went through. I do not understand why my actions still annoy others and still tear us apart. If my steps to healing and finding answers for my own closure can tear apart a family, then I must ask myself if it is worth it.

Yet I am torn, for all my life I did everything I could to please others, paying close attention not to step on any toes. For once in my life I was going to take charge of my life. Make it the best I could. However, once more I choose to take a step backwards, so as not to bring pain to someone’s life. I am ready to deal with the past, but others are not and I need to accept this and move forward finding a different road that I can still find my own closure without hurting the ones I love.

I have learned something very valuable today. For example two people can watch a car accident and give two different accounts of what happened. Likewise, two people can endure such trauma that in the end they also have two different views of the past. Yes, delving deep into the past could bring out many feelings and memories that cut down to the core, but one must ask, is it worth it if it will bring more pain to those we love?

I guess it would be fair to say I have finally learned what it means when someone tells you that some roads are better off less traveled.

During this difficult time this week, I am going to deal with these issues, but I am refusing to deal with them through my old ways, which was to eat and stuff the pain so deep that I can no longer feel it.

Everyone goes through trials, and everyone deals with them in their own way. I may not be able to control what my family feels, or how they deal with their issues, but I can control how I am going to deal with my own.

“If you want to be happy, put your effort into controlling the sail, not the wind.” – Anonymous

Maggy

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Tags: coping